Chuffing Regular Expressions! I have had it with...

Chuffing Regular Expressions! I have had it with them! I need something a bit more powerful and something that doesn’t eat my entire computer..I’ve tried a whole range of methods and nothing is working - I have come to the conclusion I’m doing it all wrong. I need someone else to take this headache away from me. Anyone handy at some computational linguistics? Got nothing to do for a couple of days? I have a problem for you. This problem should help a few people to read.